Hell child
by Quack says the T-shape
Summary: Itachi realises his brother is gay, so it is up to him to carry on the Uchiha clan. With a Malepregnancynojustu ready, he finds someone who can impregnate him, without Itachi killing them in the progress. OroIta Mpreg. Slight crack...
1. Chapter 1

Sasuke was gay. This was irritating, Itachi decided. His little brother was the one who was supposed to carry on the Uchiha clan lineage, but noooo, he had to go shack up with that blonde demon.

Granted, the boy had taste. But that did nothing to disguise the shock Itachi received when on an average mission to retrieve the Kyuubi he was confronted with the sight of his only brother lying in bed, arms wrapped around his only target.

They had to be difficult…

Kisame asked him why he had returned from trying to get the blonde boy with an expression on his face. Kisame said it was very strange, as Itachi never showed expression, so something big must have happened. He then joked that maybe Itachi had realised his feelings for his little brother. Kisame woke up 2 days later, and realised Itachi did not appreciate the joke. In fact, Itachi does not appreciate any jokes. For he is cold and heartless.

Anyway, Itachi was now seated on a rock, in the middle of a desert, wondering what he was going to do. He had given Sasuke, like, 2 jobs. Kill me and carry on clan. But nooo…he had to be weak and gay. Bastard. So, that meant he had to have sex. With another human being.

Great.

He would not lay with any woman. They were too high pitched, and he had a tendency of getting annoyed during sex and killing them. Itachi had not been fully satisfied for many years now. No…he needed someone who he would not kill before climaxing…hmmm….

Okay, Itachi needed to be realistic. There was no way he could go through sex without trying to kill the person he was screwing…so…Itachi needed someone who could defend themselves when he tried to kill them…hey, it could be like a test. 'Block my attacks while I try to kill you during sex, and you get to father my baby'. Yes…that would work. He would need a strong male. There was no problems with carrying the child, as luckily many years ago, Itachi had found and copied a ninjutsu that allowed a man to get pregnant. He was now thankful he had gone through the trouble. At the time he was young, and not quite so psychotic, and had found it very mildly amusing. He didn't find things funny. Itachi was evil and mean. Things never amused him greatly. Only mildly. And that was usually only when people walked into doors.

Anyway, he needed a strong male. Wait a minute; this all meant Itachi was going to have to be…topped. Submissive. Weak.

Wait, Itachi couldn't do that. He would doubly kill the person trying to shove objects up his ass. He was very tight, he was sure. Would it fit?

That meant he was going to have to find an EXTREMELY strong person, who could hold him down while trying to screw him.

This complicated matters. Who? Who could be that strong?

He couldn't do it with someone in Akatsuki, that would just get awkward. Oh God…

Itachi glared extra hard in realisation and destroyed a hill.

He…could always do it with…a…former Akatsuki member…

But Orochimaru was creepy! And old…and…his tongue was like a snake…

Itachi shuddered and threw a kunai at Kisame.

No, Itachi had to be strong. He could do this…wait, could he do this? Could he get…_up_…to do this? Hey, it didn't matter if he was up or not. As long as Orochimaru was, everyone was happy (except Itachi, and Kisame who Itachi would take it out on. Kisame is Itachi's bitch).

Yes. He could be strong. He would find Orochimaru, do his little Male-pregnancy-no-jutsu, get Orochimaru to shove his _snake_ up Itachi's ass (somehow. Itachi hadn't quite figured that part out yet) (Itachi then shuddered once again at the mere thought of it, and threw a spear (it was in his cloak) at Kisame, who managed to dodge it before falling into the hole where the hill was before Itachi destroyed it), and manage 9 months of pregnancy without killing the baby, then bring up the child.

Maybe he wouldn't have to do that. He could just dump it on Sasuke and his blonde bitch. Or was Sasuke the blondes bitch? Whatever…

Anyway, he needed to focus. He stood up and collected Kisame from his hole. They had a snake to find…

* * *

...well? This is a OroIta Mpreg...hmmm...strange...

It came about because one of my friends who watches Naruto said that if Naruto, Sasuke and Hinata had a child, it would be the biggest hell child ever. To which, I replied 'Errr...noo..., because Hinata's really nice, so is Naruto, and Sasuke is too...deep deep deep (deep) down.' Plus, 3 people can't have a baby. I then said the biggest hell child would be Orochimaru's and Itachi's spawn, something which my best friend had also said when I wasn't there. Anyway, the idea stuck.

Review? Tell me what you think, this is strange even for me... review!


	2. Finding the snake

Itachi stalked along (he never just walked), dragging Kisame's unconscious body behind him. Kisame was far too annoying. 'Where are we going?' 'Why are we going to Orochimaru's evil secret lair?' 'What do babies have to do with anything?' 'You're going to _WHAT_?' 

Itachi hadn't even had to knock Kisame out. He had fainted after Itachi had told him, 'It has everything to do with babies. My brother is gay, so I am planning on '_using'_ Orochimaru to carry on my clan. We are going to make an Uchiha baby.'

To be a member of Akatsuki, you had to be able to deal with anything, anywhere, and right now Kisame was failing as a member of Akatsuki. It was irritating having to drag him. He was going to have to report him to the head-leader-guy of Akatsuki if he didn't hurry up and be conscious again soon. Itachi was considering dumping him in a lake somewhere. But he was useful for distractions. Who wouldn't be distracted by _that_ face?

Anyway, Itachi was extremely glad when Kisame decided to become conscious again. Of course, Itachi then realised that although dragging Kisame was irritating, Kisame conscious was also irritating. As he had an annoying habit of talking.

"We're…going to Orochimaru's…so…he can knock you up?"

Itachi glared and kicked him.

"We've gone through this, pitiful fool…Yes."

Kisame shook his head and opened his mouth to say something only to have Itachi's foot be shoved in it and a yell of "SILENCE!" ringing in his ears.

They arrived at Orochimaru's secret lair after a 20 day journey of pure silence. Itachi glanced around. It was all very dramatic, with snake-carvings, snake-walls, snakes crawling around…

Kisame poked Itachi, who punched him into a tree. A few minutes later, Kisame mouthed through a broken jaw 'Can I speak?' Itachi glared, and as Kisame hadn't been killed for having the nerve to poke and then mouth something at Itachi, he decided to take a chance.

"We going in the back entrance?"

Itachi glared. "This is why you do not talk. Why would we go in the back entrance? The front entrance is right there."

Kisame frowned. "But…bad guys always use the back entrance."

Itachi kicked him. "We're bad guys breaking into a bad guys place. Rules don't apply. Shut up."

Kisame shut up, and Itachi blew up the front door with a single glance. (He has the power.) Through the smoke and debris, he strode followed by Kisame, walking over dead bodies (or at least…they were dead after a look from Itachi), until they reached Orochimaru's bedroom.

"How do you know its Orochimaru's bedroom?"

"It's got the most snakes on the door, fool." Itachi whacked Kisame into a nearby wall, and walked forward to the grand door. He paused, and was about to knock (he needed to be on Orochimaru's good side. (He ignored the fact he'd practically single-handedly destroyed Orochimaru's entire lair)), when he heard a gasp behind him.

He turned and was greeted by the sight of a man with glasses and silver hair.

"You, YOU'RE-" Itachi sharinganed the newcomer, and turned to knock. However he was confronted by a not-so-friendly sight.

Orochimaru.

He was frowning slightly. "You just killed one of my best minions."

Itachi glared, and went to kill Orochimaru, before he remembered he was trying to get Orochimaru to father his baby, so he couldn't kill him.

Maybe he shouldn't have killed the underling…

Orochimaru was looking at him, eyebrow raised, a not so happy look on his face.

It was understandable.

His secret lair had just been destroyed and his bitch along with it. He told Itachi why he was upset. "And what would you do if I killed your bitch?"

They both turned to Kisame who was on the floor, bleeding vast amounts and twitching. Itachi shrugged, "Get a new one?"

Orochimaru paused, before nodding in agreement.

"What do you want, Itachi? Your brother isn't here. He went off to be gay with the demon boy."

Itachi nodded. "I know. That's part of the reason I'm here."

Orochimaru frowned at him, "What have I got to do with Sasuke's liking for having a dick in his ass?"

Itachi glared. "Hey, it could be his dick in the ass, don't jump to conclusions."

Orochimaru shrugged. "What do you want?"

Itachi paused. He could cleverly manipulate Orochimaru, he could just be straight with him, or, he could sharingan his ass…hmm…

He couldn't be bothered to be clever today.

"I want your baby to carry on the Uchiha clan."

Orochimaru blinked. "What?"

"Screw me, or I'll kill you."

Itachi found threatening worked best. Though he realised he sounded slightly desperate…

Orochimaru glared, and hissed out, "Why the hell should I?"

Itachi paused. "…Surely, a night with me is worth it?"

More glaring, and hissing.

"…Fine. I'll…give you Sasuke."

Orochimaru's eye perked up slightly, "I'm listening."

Itachi glanced around. "And Kisame too. "

Orochimaru gave him a look. "I don't want him."

Itachi glared at his useless companion and kicked him.

"Look, what else do you want?" Orochimaru frowned, and looked Itachi up and down. "I want your cloak."

"No."

"Fine then, no Uchiha babies."

Itachi glared, and then mumbled, "Fine…"

His soon-to-be-bed-partner smiled, and held out a hand, "So we have a deal?"

Itachi glared, but shook the hand. "Oh, by the way, I tend to kill people I have sex with."

Orochimaru merely smiled. "I wouldn't expect any less."

* * *

This is turning into a OroIta mpreg with a lot of Kisame abuse at the side...oh well...he's just _there_. 

Sooo...review, or I'll make you Itachi's bitch. Wait...wouldn't that be an incentive not to review...hm...oh well, whatever floats your boat.

REVIEW!


	3. OTT PDA

Itachi sat on another rock in another desert. He was throwing various sharp objects at anything that had the nerve to move.

Mainly Kisame.

It hurt. He was in some serious pains in his lower regions, okay. He didn't understand why people had sex. But, he had been right to choose Orochimaru. He had tried to kill the man loads of times, and every time his attacks were blocked.

_-f-l-a-s-h-b-a-c-k-_

Itachi froze as he felt something touch his ass. Things weren't meant to touch his ass. He reacted before he even thought, and managed to draw a bit of blood from Orochimaru's chest; but his attack was stopped. Orochimaru sat on him, smirking at him. Bastard.

"Kukuku…You liked it before, Itachi-kun…"

Itachi tried to stop the mantra currently going through his head of 'die die die'

Orochimaru licked him

'DIE'

He was pushed to the bed.

'DIE DIE DIE'

"My, you're active Itachi-kun."

'**DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE**'

_-e-n-d-f-l-a-s-h-b-a-c-k-_

He frowned. How did babies come out anyway?

…hmm…it wasn't exactly something they taught you at assassin school. Where did it come out of? Itachi dismissed it. Presumably, they popped out somewhere, somehow.

But it would be best to get a book on it, just in case.

"Hey, we're going. Get up." Itachi glared when he got no response. He refused to drag Kisame around again. It was far too much effort.

"Oi…oi…oi…oi…oi…" Itachi kept on repeating himself, each time delivering a swift kick to Kisame's side. As time went on, Itachi got more and more annoyed, until he was drop-kicking Kisame into mountains and hills and such.

After about an hour, Itachi decided to leave Kisame a note. He got a marker from within his cloak and wrote on Kisame's cloak, 'Gone to buy book.' He didn't really think that summed it all up, so he stabbed Kisame for a little while with the pen.

He arrived in Konoha about a day later. He always went to Konoha to buy things, as they never detected him, plus, he knew his way around from before he went totally psychotic.

Itachi saw his local bookstore on the horizon, and began to make his way towards it, but then a sight came into his view.

It had been a fairly good day, Itachi mused, as his eyes twitched. His brother appeared to be on top of the blonde demon.

Of course, they weren't just in the middle of the street, they were in an alley. Alas, Itachi is omnipotent and can see through walls.

But he could probably use this…rather…unsightly situation…he would have to tell his brother at one point he had sold him to an evil overlord for a night with the evil overlord to create spawn.

It was the damn child's fault for deciding to be gay. Bastard.

Pregnancy books long forgotten, Itachi made the blonde demon fly into a wall with a flick of his wrist.

"AHHH! BROTHER!" If you just looked at it, Sasuke could have yelled that in happiness.

Except this is Sasuke, angst-expert, so the yell was a combination of fear and anger.

Mostly fear.

This pleased Itachi.

"Foolish little brother. Can't you control your OTT PDA's?"

Sasuke blinked, his anger temporarily clouded with bewilderment.

"Huh?"

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Fool. It means over the top public displays of attention."

Sasuke's jaw dropped, and Naruto spoke from the floor, "_How do you know that!_"

Itachi looked at him and Naruto fell to the floor in pain.

"I know all…"

Ahhh….

"Leave Naruto alone!"

Itachi glared harder at Naruto, and kicked Sasuke. "Fool, it's this boys fault I had to give you to Orochimaru…"

Sasuke blinked and stopped. Itachi waited for the inevitable.

"WHAT!"

Itachi sighed. How many times would he have to explain this?

"You are gay, so I have to carry on the clan, so to…persuade Orochimaru to sleep with me, I gave him you."

"WHAT!"

"And my cloak."

Sasuke took a step forward in anger, and then back again when Itachi made a slight movement in his direction.

"But…but…NO!"

Itachi shook his head. "It was a sacrifice I was willing to make."

"I'M NOT YOURS TO GIVE AWAY!"

Itachi rolled his eyes and mumbled, "That's what _you _think…"

"But…why Orochimaru anyway!"

"Do you want to know about my sexual escapades?"

Sasuke twitched violently. "NO!" Sasuke then realised amongst all the revelations he had forgotten Naruto, who wasn't really moving much…

"GET OFF HIM!"

Itachi stopped sharinganing Naruto, and turned to face Sasuke.

"Just thought I'd give you a…'heads up' so to speak. Orochimaru will probably come soon to retrieve his property."

Sasuke, from the floor where he was cradling his broken lover, glared and spat out, "Bite me."

Itachi shrugged. "Orochimaru probably will…"

Sasuke yelled many other things, but Itachi only caught the last one.

"WAIT! Does this mean…YOU'RE PREGNANT!"

Itachi turned and sharinganed Sasuke, making him collapse.

Too many questions…

* * *

A very vague plot is coming in! YAY!

Review!


	4. Snake encounter

Itachi had never really thought of it that way. 

_Pregnant_…

'With child' was a better way to put it. Pregnant…made him sound…weak…vulnerable…womanly…it annoyed him.

At the present moment he was taking out his annoyance on Kisame by throwing fire at him.

Though the image of Kisame running round with his cloak in fire nearly amused him slightly, he was still annoyed. Plus, he needed to read his pregnancy book he had bought, along with a home pregnancy test. Just in case.

He didn't want to read his book or pee on a stick, and his toy was getting boring. Pregnancy was beginning to depress him. Everything sucked.

There was something in him. Growing. It was strange…maybe he should confirm his departure from the masculine world and pee on the damn stick.

A wet bush and a tinkle later…

Yep, he was pregnant all right. Great…

This was what he wanted, but it was still annoying. Hell, life was annoying. Hell, Kisame was annoying.

As though hearing Itachi's trail of thought, Kisame turned from the river he had jumped in to put out his cloak and looked at Itachi with wide eyes. Itachi's eyes narrowed, and Kisame dived underwater.

Damn shark.

Itachi reached into his cloak and was just about to read the book on pregnancy, when he sensed something. He froze. Kisame rose from the water. Itachi sharinganed him back under.

…something strong was here. Something…familiar. Strangely familiar. Wrongly familiar.

Ah crap…

"Kukuku…so, Itachi, how has life been since our little encounter?"

Itachi glared at Orochimaru.

"Screw off."

Orochimaru smiled, and then glanced around. "Where's the bitch?" Itachi vaguely gestured behind him to the lake, and Orochimaru nodded, before frowning.

"I'm having trouble getting a new bitch…it's really very irritating that you killed my old one."

Was Orochimaru making small talk? About their bitches?

"What do you want?"

Orochimaru smirked. "You didn't hold up your part of the deal."

Itachi frowned. He had too. He had given him his brother, AND his cloak. He had been forced to sharingan a spare one.

Itachi told him he had held up his side of the deal, and to go die.

"Kukuku…is this any way to speak to the father of your baby?"

Once again, Itachi told Orochimaru to go die. And once again, Orochimaru cruelly kept breathing. Bastard.

"You did not hold up your end of the deal. I do not have Sasuke-kun."

Itachi shrugged. "Go get him."

"Oh, I did. Well, my minions did. They came back with news Sasuke had fled the village with demon boy under the pretence of going on a very long mission. So you see, you have not kept up your side of the story. You told me I could have your brother, yet he is not here."

Itachi shrugged. "Not my problem. Go find him."

Orochimaru smiled. "It is your problem. You will find him, bring him to me, alive, or I will kill you and your baby with my army of loyal underlings."

Itachi considered the proposition. Which wasn't much of a proposition. It was more of a threat. With a flick of his hand, he thrusted Kisame out of the water, panting and pale.

"You were saying you don't have a bitch. Are you willing to leave if I give you _this_?" He gestured Kisame around a bit.

"Look, we've gone through this. No. Why would I want him?"

Itachi looked at Kisame, and agreed with Orochimaru. Chucking Kisame into a tree, he turned and said, "How do you know I can't defeat your army?"

"You're pregnant. Pregnant people don't do fighting armies. Besides, it'll give you something to do. You always liked tormenting Sasuke."

Well, that was true. And he was getting rather bored sitting around doing various things to Kisame.

But still….doing something Orochimaru wanted him to…hey, Itachi was strong, he could do this.

"I'll fight your army and kill them all."

"I'll have them aiming for your stomach."

Itachi tried his only option left. "…you would kill your own child?"

"Yes." Damn. "Just go find your brother, and give him to me. Alive. It's not hard."

"Then you do it."

"No."

"And it is hard. He has an annoying habit of struggling. Plus, the blonde demons with him. Do you think he'll just stand back and let me take his master and give him to you?"

Orochimaru frowned at him. "Why do you always presume your brother is dominant?"

Itachi glared. "He's an Uchiha."

"I topped you."

"Shut up."

Itachi mused it all over. It would give him something to do…_and_ he'd get to screw Sasuke's life up even more. Anyway, if he didn't then Orochimaru would kill his foetus, and Itachi didn't think Orochimaru would screw him again so he could create more spawn.

"…fine."

"Excellent. I'll give you…oh, let's say 8 months to find him." Convenient, eh?

"Whatever." Great. Even though he liked having something to do, he had just got managed to get of his Akatsuki work. It had taken him ages to get time off. What could he ask for? Maternity leave? Paternity leave?

Whatever.

Now, he had an overly hormonal queer weakling to find…

* * *

See? Plot! Kinda...

But never fear, I will not forget what is really important here...the crack.

So, review! For crack! Wohoo!


	5. It rained and it poured

Itachi frowned at the mess in front of him. 

Orochimaru had left in a gigantic puff of smoke. There wasn't a reason. It was mostly because he could.

Itachi had been annoyed at the mans too cool departure, but luckily he had managed to copy the Exit-scene-in-smoke-no-jutsu with his sharingan, so if he ever needed to make a cool exit he had 1 more option.

But now, he was wondering what to do with this _thing_ in front of him.

"-groan- Ita…achi…help…me…"

"Screw off, fool."

At the moment, Kisame was, Itachi could only presume, dying on the floor.

"Get up; we're going to find my brother and his bitch."

"But…my spleen…"

"No one gives a shit about your spleen. Get up."

Where to start? They had 8 months, so there wasn't exactly a sense of urgency in him, but still...

Itachi blinked as he felt a drip of rain fall on his cloak. He glanced up, and the heavens opened. It began to pour.

Kisame flinched from the floor, and glanced at Itachi who had begun to shake. He watched as Itachi tried sharinganing the clouds, but it only made it worse. Soon, there was a full blown storm…storming everywhere.

"Why is it raining?"

Kisame jumped. Itachi was staring at him.

"Umm…I don't know…something to do with lakes and water vapour…I think."

Itachi glared, and stared at the clouds.

"Why does it have to rain _now_?"

"…I'm…sorry?"

"Seriously, this sucks." Kisame's eyes widened as he looked at Itachi, who looked quite upset.

"Why does it have to rain _NOW_! I'm trying to figure out where my long lost little queer brother is, and it just starts to _rain_. Why, why Kisame?"

Kisame scrambled back slightly. "I don't know…I'm sorry…"

"You suck too, bastard!" Itachi sharinganed Kisame into the clouds above, and he got sucked into a tornado.

Itachi sighed and sat on a nearby rock. Everything was just getting to him…

Wait. Itachi froze.

Things didn't get to Itachi. He didn't care; he just killed things, tortured his brother, tortured Kisame, and as of around a month ago carried a child…

Itachi gasped, before slapping himself when he realised he'd shown emotion, before realising he slapped himself, so he sharinganed Kisame out of the tornado, slapped him, then tossed him back in the typhoon of death.

It was the baby! The baby was making him show emotions!

"_Damn you_…"

Itachi glared at his stomach, and contemplated sharinganing it, before realising he needed the baby for his clan and stuff.

Bah…wait, Itachi needed to focus.

Queer brother gone AWOL.

Right…

This was _HIS_ fault.

Itachi needed to find him so he could bitch-slap him for being gay and going AWOL, meaning Itachi had to get pregnant and then go find him and drag his pathetic ass back to Orochimaru.

Bastard…

Itachi stood up, and sharinganed Kisame out of the tornado.

"Get up, we're going to The Hidden Village of Sand."

"-groan- -twitch- What…now?"

"No, later. Of course now, fool!" Itachi kicked him. "We must take the opportune moment…we will go there, and find my homo-brother…"

"Wh..why…Sand?"

"…because I said so, do not question me!"

Kisame stopped talking, partly because Itachi was scary and didn't seem to like it when he talked, and partly because he was slowly losing consciousness.

"We leave at sunrise…"

Yes…Sand would be a good place to start. After all, you got sand at beaches. Beaches were hot. It didn't _rain_ at beaches.

Yes. Sand was good.

"Hey." Itachi kicked Kisame. "Wake up."

He got no response.

"I said…wake up!" Itachi grabbed a kunai from his cloak and dove down to stab Kisame, who woke up at the last second and screamed.

Itachi stopped. "You just screamed…"

"N…no I didn't!"

"You screamed like…a girl…"

"It was a manly scream!"

"Just get up! We're going to Sand, and it's still raining. Give me your cloak."

Kisame blanched. "But…under this cloak…I'm…"

"I don't care. I have my priorities, and you have yours, but right now my hair is wet. If it starts to curl tomorrow, so help you…"

"Okay! I'll…I'll give you the cloak…"

So, they began their journey.

One pregnant man with dry hair and his wet naked bitch.

* * *

They're going to Sand so Itachi can talk to Gaara...

:P

Hee hee...review!


	6. Sandcastles

Itachi frowned at the land in front of him. 

Well...it wasn't raining.

It was, however, very hot. And sandy.

In fact, sand kept blowing into his eyes, and he would have flinched or tried to protect himself, but that would destroy his bad-guy, nothing-affects-me image.

He frowned. If _he _was a gay little weak insignificant twerp, where would he hide…?

Sasuke had friends in this village, that much he knew.

Well, friends was pushing it. Acquaintances? Associates? Links? Whatever.

"Ummm…Itachi…?"

This village was just one big sand castle…

"…Itachi…?"

One big sandcastle he was going to _crush_.

"Itachi-"

"Quiet, fool! And from now on, you will address me as Itachi-sama!"

"Ummm….why…?" Itachi sent him a harsh look. "Itachi-sama."

"Because I can. Now move."

With that command, they descended onto the village which would soon be crushed.

Itachi didn't mention that he wanted Kisame to call him Itachi-sama because he felt insecure. No. No. No. No. Itachi does not _DO _insecure.

However, _apparently_, pregnant-Itachi does. Thus, he was Itachi-sama. It made him feel good about himself…

Itachi began taking out his anger that he felt good about himself when Kisame called him Itachi-sama by destroying the village. With a sharingan here, sharingan there…soon, the village had been practically leveled, and just when Itachi was about to deliver the finishing blow, someone stopped him…

Itachi frowned at the red-headed boy in front of him.

"Stop destroying my village, or I'll kill you."

"No." Itachi was never one to yield under intimidation.

"What do you want?"

"I'm looking for two people."

The red head frowned. "You look familiar…"

If he looked familiar then that meant he probably knew Sasuke which meant he might know where Sasuke is.

"Hey! He thinks you look familiar which might mean he knows Sas-mphf-" Itachi body slammed Kisame into a wall.

"Quiet, fool! I know!"

"…you look like Sasuke…"

"I would do. He's my brother."

The red-head looked surprised and Itachi was sure if he had eyebrows they would have raised.

"AHHH!" What kinda twisted freak didn't have eyebrows!

"I'm Gaara." Said the red-head.

"Itachi." Replied Itachi, who had recovered and was avoiding Gaara's eyes and his lack of eyebrows, and also resisting the urge to introduce himself as Itachi-sama.

"You're Sasuke's brother?"

Itachi nodded.

"That sucks."

He nodded again. "I know."

"Did you know that Sasuke…and Naruto…"

"Are screwing? Yes. That's partly why I'm here."

Gaara frowned, confused.

Itachi waved his hand at Kisame, who was trying to play dead in the hope the pain and anguish he suffered would finally stop...

Itachi sharinganed a boulder onto Kisame and commanded, "Explain to Gaara, pathetic freak."

After explanations of gayness, babies (or lack of), sex and Orochimaru, hindered by the fact Kisame's jaw was broken and Itachi kept breaking his fingers whenever he paused, Gaara was finally clued in.

Gaara looked thoughtful, then asked, "…so…would it be in your best interests to break up Naruto and Sasuke?"

"…maybe…I'm sure the blonde demon will object to me giving his bum-buddy to Orochimaru."

"…I'll help you find them if I get Naruto."

Did Itachi really need help?

He felt a twinge from his stomach and glanced over at the helpless mess that was Kisame.

"…okay then. But…the village…" He trailed off and glanced around at the carnage.

Gaara shrugged.

"…okay, let's go."

-------------------------------------------

That wasn't meant to happen... _-wonders how Gaara got dragged into the journey-_ oh well.

And I'm sooo sorry, it took ages for me to update _-dies-_. But I got so many AWESOME reviews! _-is unworthy-_

Thanks for reading! Please R&R! It motivates me!


	7. Maternity cloak

"You're not…" Gaara mumbled, jabbing Kisame in the side. Kisame blinked back to reality and nodded. 

"Yeah, you're not."

Itachi glared at the two, and went back to piling up kindling.

"What are you doing?" Kisame asked, flying to the left to avoid a tree.

Itachi grumbled as he made fire. There had been major tension in the group after Itachi made an extremely startling discovery.

A bump.

Itachi had a little baby bump.

After his discovery, he had not appreciated Kisame's 'awwww's, and Kisame had only just recovered from the beating he had received from Itachi and Gaara (who thought it looked fun).

Itachi now resolved that since he was fat, he had to burn all his clothes. Including his Akatsuki cloak (despite Kisame's protests that he couldn't ask Akatsuki for a replacement maternity cloak).

"You're not fat." Gaara stated again.

Itachi glared.

"No, really. You're not even chubby. You just have a bump."

Itachi frowned, and glanced over. "Really?"

Gaara nodded.

Itachi shrugged. "Okay. Kisame, adjust my cloak so it fits."

"Bu-but, ho-"

Itachi tossed his cloak at Kisame, knocking him over. "Find a way, or find death."

"We need to focus." Gaara said, staring out at the horizon. Itachi nodded.

"Where next?" Gaara shrugged. "We could torture his friends?"

Itachi shook his head. "Sasuke doesn't have friends." Gaara nodded, and commented, "You raised him well."

Itachi nodded, then asked, "Does the demon?"

"Most likely."

"Torture them?"

"Yeah, fine."

* * *

Itachi strolled through Konoha with his newly re-sewed coat. Kisame had spent 32 hours redesigning it while Gaara poked him violently with a stick. 

He was currently mourning the loss of feeling in his fingers, and limping along pathetically.

"Where are the demon's friends?"

Gaara frowned. "I think I remember a girl with pink hair…"

"Right." Itachi sharinganed the village and located the girl.

Itachi pointed north. "She's north." Gaara nodded, and they began to head north.

* * *

Sakura had been sitting innocently, replacing the old flowers that she had in front of her Sasuke-forever! shrine, when she turned around and was confronted with a man who looked a lot like Sasuke only taller and with cooler hair, some beat-up shark guy, and Gaara, the really crazy guy with red hair. 

"What the-!"

Itachi waved his hand. "Sharingan."

She slumped to the floor, and Itachi searched her mind.

"Tch…the girl knows nothing…"

Gaara sighed. "Bummer."

Itachi frowned. "Though she does have lesbian feelings for her best friend."

Gaara looked up at Itachi. "Really?"

"Yep…but she's confused so she's convinced herself she loves Sasuke. It wouldn't be hard. He is an Uchiha, after all."

Gaara nodded, before commenting dryly, "Naturally."

Itachi growled and incinerated the girls shrine. "This was a waste if a visit. I shouldn't be moving too much in my condition."

Gaara frowned. "Not necessarily…there are others we could ask, plus…we could mess with the girls mind…"

Itachi nodded. "That is true…"

With the quick efficiency of a mass-murderer, Itachi removed the shrine to her brother, and replaced it with a shrine so vile and evil Gaara averted his eyes.

A shrine to Kisame.

Kisame, who had been staring off into space and wondering where his life went wrong, glanced across and saw a shrine to him, candles and everything.

"What the-!"

Gaara shook his head. "It needs to be more believable."

Itachi nodded, and made it so all the pictures of Kisame changed so Kisame had blonde hair.

Gaara gave Itachi a look, who explained, "The girl she has lesbian feelings for has blonde hair."

"Ahhh…"

Itachi quickly sharinganed the girls mind into believing the shrine and they quickly departed. Well, they quickly departed because Itachi kicked Kisame out of the window because he was too busy staring at a blonde, rather female version of himself.

"So…where to next?" Itachi asked Gaara, who shrugged in return.

"We could just ask all the other friends."

"Right."

"What about him?" Gaara pointed at Kisame, who was twitching.

"Meh, he's like a dog, he'll always return to his master." Itachi went up to twitching!Kisame. "Right, Kisame?"

The poor, poor abused Akatsuki member nodded, and Itachi poked his wound.

"Ye-yes…Itachi-sama."

"Hmph. That's what I though…"

"Itachi-sama?" Gaara questioned.

Itachi shrugged. "Because I can."

"Can I be Gaara-sama?"

Itachi glanced over at Gaara. "Yeah, go for it."

While Itachi searched the village for more targets, Gaara kicked Kisame asking him, "What's my name bitch?"

"Found one."

Gaara paused and looked up. "Who?"

"Dunno, but he has a weird hair cut, and weird eyes, and weird clothes…"

Gaara's eyes clouded over. "Lee…"

"Huh?"

Gaara shook his head. "Nothing, take me there."

Itachi blinked at Gaara, then shrugged.

Soon, soon he would find his little brother and hand him over to Orochimaru. And then he'd hand the blond demon over to Gaara. And then he'd raise his child as a suitable Uchiha heir.

How did you raise children anyway…?

* * *

It took ages to get this chapter out, I'm sorry! I wrote half of it a while in maths, and then was writing bits and pieces until I sat down and made myself do it. I made Sakura a lesbian... O.o 

And does Gaara love Lee? We thought he loved Naruto! Or is he using them both for his own twisted needs!

Anyway...thanks for all the reviews! They rock. You rock. Woo! R&R!


	8. Itachi's cervix

"Ow…" 

"Umm…so yeah, sorry, Gaara. I don't know where Naruto is at the moment. I think him and Sasuke had an ultra…"

"Ow, crap! Ah!"

"…secret mission thing…ummm…are you alright?"

"Ow! AH!"

Gaara dismissed Lee's concern over the strange cloaked figure with a flick of his hand. "He's fine. Are _you_, okay Lee?"

Lee shuffled slightly under the strangely intense glare coming from Gaara. Why was Gaara here anyway? And who was this strange, rather large, cloaked man? And who was the twitching figure in the corner?

"I'm fine…"

"AH! CRAP!"

Lee watched as the cloaked figure began kicking the twitching person, while yelling, "_What-is-wrong-with-me_?!"

"Are you sure he's okay?"

Gaara shrugged. "Who knows…we should be heading off now anyway…just remember…I'm always watching you…"

Lee gulped and watched as Gaara and the two other figures disappeared in a whirl of sand.

Should I be scared…? Lee wondered.

No, you should be scared shitless.

* * *

"Ow!" 

"Itachi…"

"AH!"

"…wait…Itachi…"

"SON-OF-A-!"

"-Stop!"

Itachi froze mid-rant. But he could hardly be blamed. His insides were twisting and churning, he had felt pain, but nothing like this!

"What is it?" He hissed to Gaara, while doubled over, hands yanking Kisame's hair. (Kisame had already been banned from expressing sounds of pain, because, 'No matter how much pain _you're_ in, _its worse for me, bitch_!')

"I think you're in labour, Itachi."

"I'm in what?"

"…" Gaara stared for a bit. "Even _I_ know about pregnancy. Kisame, what do you know?"

"…"

"Kisame isn't allowed to speak. But he too, does not know about pregnancy. Why should he?"

"…because you're pregnant and about to have your baby…"

"Hmm…" Itachi frowned, thinking, and also crying out in pain and twisting Kisame's hair (Itachi can multi-task.)

"Has it been 9 months already?"

"Guess so."

Well this was unexpected, in an entirely expected way. He had obviously realised he was pregnant, but had kinda ignored the fact that meant at one point, a baby would have to leave his body.

"Where's it come out of?"

"…well, the thing is, you're having contractions. Which means, your cervix is dilating. Since when did you have a cervix?"

Itachi shrugged. "Must come as part of the male-pregnancy-no-jutsu package.

"…guess so…anyway, I think we're meant to time them."

"…why…? AH! AH!"

"Well…that one wasn't very long after your last one…"

"…which means…?"

"…babys gonna come."

Itachi frowned. "Ow! But…ow! From where…?"

Gaara shrugged.

"Right…lets find a doctor…"

Itachi nodded. "That is the best course of action. Kisame, carry me. Gaara, lead."

He received 2 nods of confirmation.

"What should I say to the doctor? 'My friend is having a baby. But he's a guy. Tell anyone and he'll kill you.'?"

"…I think we can just sharingan him into thinking everything's normal."

"You can do that?"

"I can do _anything_…ow! Ah! Crap!"

At least the worst is out of the way…surely, nothing could be more painful than this…

* * *

It's been ages since I updated . but we have contracting!Itachi and medical-genius!Gaara... 

The baby shall come next chapter. Which means I actually have to work out details about it...(boy/girl? evil/good?) Though I have a pretty good idea of what it'll be like... :D

Thanks for your reviews! They rule!

R&R!!


	9. Itachi babies

Gaara watched Kisame pace the waiting room, occasionally glancing at the sand-covered door that led to Itachi giving birth. 

Ew.

After 30 minutes of screaming, cursing, and threats from the room next door, Gaara had sanded up the door to silence the noise.

Abruptly, Gaara stood.

"The baby is here."

Kisame turned, bewildered. "Wah-?"

With a sweep of his hands, the sand flew away, revealing a clinical white door. A couple of seconds later, the doctor (with a slightly dazed expression on his face from the extreme sharinganing he had received from Itachi) entered the room, a blissful smile on his face.

"Con…mmphfgratulations…it's a boy…and a girl! There's two!"

Gaara and Kisame exchanged looks, before freezing as they heard a midwife (also sharinganed) say, "There you go, Itachi-sama. Now, who would you like to hold first? Your boy, or your girl?"

"KISAME!!!"

Kisame reluctantly shuffled into the room, while Gaara followed, smirking slightly.

They were faced with the sight of a flushed, glaring Itachi on a bed, and an oblivious midwife holding…two babies…

"Kisame…" Itachi began, glaring at Kisame. "Why are there two…? I was told there would only be one…"

Gaara coughed. "Well, there is a boy and a girl, meaning that…2 separate eggs were fertilised…"

Kisame froze, having already been faced with the Itachi-babies, was now faced with the though of Itachi's…eggs…so was staring into space.

"Doesn't this improve the likelihood of a clan-expansion?" Gaara asked, trying to make the situation seem less than dire, while also trying to ignore the baby he swore was hissing at him…

Itachi still glared at Kisame, as though he held him solely responsible. (Kisame was lost in his own world, where Itachi had no offspring, and most certainly did not possess _eggs_.)

"Doesn't matter anyway." Gaara reasoned. "Naruto and your brother will be looking after them."

Itachi frowned. "True…Kisame, my things! …Kisame. KISAME!"

Itachi glared at the frozen-Kisame. "Slap him for me." Gaara backhanded Kisame, who was brought back to reality cruely, faced with the prospect of a swollen cheek, pissed Itachi, and offspring from Itachi…

"Kisame…Get. My. Things."

Kisame nodded, scrambling to grab Itachi's cloak, and then handing it over to the Uchiha, who took it and stared at him expectedly. Wah-?

"I have other things."

Kisame blinked and looked around the room.

Gaara nudged Kisame and pointed at the midwife who hadn't blinked for a while.

Kisame's eyes bulged. "Th-the babies?"

"Yes. Get them." Itachi commanded, before cloaking himself.

Swallowing, Kisame eyed the midwife and babies.

"Umm…Gaara…could you…?"

Gaara took pity on the fool, and carefully picked up the baby in the midwife's left arm who, after a quick peek under the blankets, was confirmed to be male.

Kisame held the girl like she was some kind of foreign object, extremely aware of the fact that she had been in Itachi's…_something_ not so long ago…

He was brought back from his zone-out by a strange noise.

Did…did the baby just hiss at him?

"Now…" Itachi began. "We have to find my brother and demon-boy."

"We could just dump them at the Hokage's office with a note."

Itachi nodded. "That could work."

Kisame frowned. "What about Orochimaru?"

Itachi and Gaara shrugged. "C'mon, lets go."

* * *

Epilogue- Or 'How Sasuke and Naruto found themselves dumped with the offspring of two of the most evil ninjas EVER'

"Tsunade, why'd you call us back? You know we're in hiding."

"Errrr…yes…well…something came for you…"

"…what?"

"Sasuke…it's addressed to you…"

"…what's that, Sasuke? A note?"

"Yeah…it…WHAT?! NO!"

"Wait, lemme…WHAT?!"

"AH!"

"Yes…Sasuke, Naruto. You are now the proud parents of a boy and a girl…"

"…no! Your brother can't do this!"

"…"

_Dear brother,_

_I had 2 babies. Care for them and raise them as Uchiha babies. _

_Despite my protests, I begrudgingly accept that you are topped by the blond demon, thus, you shall be 'Mum' and the blond demon can be 'Dad'. (Gaara says hi)_

_Bye_

_Itachi_

_PS. Watch out for Orochimaru_

_PPS. Watch out for the girl. She bites.  
_

* * *

It's...over...I feel a sense of satisfaction. :D Anywho, there are definite plans for a sequel, unnamed at the moment (Hell Teens? Hell Toddlers?) as I'm not entirely sure of the details yet :P But, look out for it :D 

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! You all RULE! I loved all the Itachi-baby ideas, but me and Lucy (other-half of this account) thought that evil!girl and angelic!boy would be fun...I also have no names. Suggestions? I'm open to thoughts. Though I do have an urge to call the boy something really butch...

ANYWAY, please review the last chappie! Thanks to everyone!


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